D&D: the game for travelers

Marinus van Reymerswaele "two tax collectors"

In hobo culture Magic the Gathering is the big thing. Lots of travelers play it because it's dynamic and portable. It's easy to put together a basic deck. Anyone can quickly learn to play. I'm not into it. You gotta acquire all these cards somehow, keep track of 'em. There's a big gap between dabblers and serious guys--such that the dabblers are better off playing something else. I think there's a more traveler appropriate game, it's D&D.

As a kid I dabbled in card games. All my friends played them, but they were leagues above me because they were dedicated to it. They learned tourney-worthy strategies from the internet, and had the cards to prove it. Those kids are never fun to play with, the mallrats, they exist in hoboworld form too.

You can't use Acid Blast Tsunami anymore, it's a banned card!
Why? Because it kills everybody' s dudes, even mine? It's the only strategy I got!
In card games, the dude with the best (aka most expensive) cards wins. Pay to win. Psycho Opal Angel lockdown! You have to discard the first card you draw every turn! Where's the fun in that?

My mom wouldn't buy me boosterpacks, and I didn't blame her. It's an expensive hobby. My cards were always from shoebox hand-me-downs, starter decks, and birthday boosters. I kludged decks together from whatever strategies I came up with on my own, and whatever cards I thought looked cool. 

The only time I had fun playing was when I played against kids in my own tax bracket, in my neighborhood. Then, our imaginations took over. It wasn't a game about good strategies and winning, it was largely about the illustrations and flavor text. I'm going to use Insect Champion because he's a freakin' shock trooper with praying mantis arms! Who cares if he's only worth 800 points and has no special attacks? We'd make up what the battles looked like. When we'd use Fissure, it was like a real crack opened in the ground and sucked our dudes down with it. We traded cards easily and freely because the cards weren't worth anything.

At school the next day, my serious friends discussed which decks they'd take to the game shop tournament on Saturday. There was a $7 entrance fee, and the grand prize was $50 store credit. I'd always lose in the first round, but I'd try anyway. There were kids in my tax bracket there too, seeing the game vicariously through the victors. One weekend I beat a kid who had never played before, I taught him the rules as we went along. I finally moved to the second round. The next kid I played knew every card by sight, and spit acid when I had to stop the game to read all card effects he was using to obliterate me.

Because my family was poor, I developed an active imagination. We had dial-up long after it was outdated, an NES from a garage sale. Some kids get nothing. My sister and I fought each other with sticks and played games with paper and dice and markers. We couldn't afford the D&D manuals, but I could look at the copies in the game store and fill in the blanks at home.

With D&D all you need is dice, paper, and pens. If you don't have dice you can use playing cards or draw lots. You don't even need a rulebook, you can easily remember the important parts yourself, and fudge the rest. You can play with different people, each of them bringing in their own character sheets from other games. Slap it together, tweak it here and there, let it work out in the wash. It's a game of pure friendship, creativity, and exploration, unhindered by a corporate middleman. It's a game that allows you to share the mind's vistas with others, in a collaborative and experiential way. I might even go as far to say that tabletop gaming (or dirt floor gaming, rather) is a living relative of oral storytelling traditions. A tradition that started with travelers and nomads and pre-literates.

Unfortunately nobody really plays it on the road. Most folks have this idea that D&D is about nerds bickering over expensive manuals. This reputation isn't unearned. The way not-me sees D&D is the way I see card games. I want to fix this, to introduce D&D to travelers or kids w no monies

Something that fits in a skull or one sheet of notebook paper. If you don't have dice draw lots or pull etched sticks out of a had.

ULTRALITE D&D

VERSION 1.2
Don't name your guy until level 3.

Roll in order: STR DEX CON INT WIS CHA

3: -3
4-5: -2
6-8: -1
9-12: 0
13-15: +1
16-17: +2
:18 +3
(this is easy to remember because 1,2,3,4,3,2,1)

Pick a class:

• Fighters (d8+CON HP. 1200 XP to level up) adds LVL to attack and damage rolls. Gets additional attacks per combat on levels 3,6,9 etc.
• Pilgrims (d6+CON HP 1500 XP to level up) can SMITE unholy for d6+wis, HEAL d6+wis, using a pool of dice equal to level. BLESS and PRAY might do things too. Gods make demands of them! Dance or lose your powers, puppet! 
• Mountebanks (d6+CON HP 1000 XP to level up) add LVL to attack and damage rolls when they Backstab in addition to the regular x2 dmg that everybody gets.  Mountebanks gets 2 skill points at start and get another +1 to spend on skills every other level. They can Save VS Dex per adventure to overrule an argument about treasure. Small weapons and bows only or can't add skill bonuses.
• Spellcasters (d4+CON HP. 1500 XP to level up) get (INT mod+level) spell points. you can represent spell points with tokens, and spells cost their level to cast. They can cast any spell they know. Spell points refresh every day if they get good sleep and time to meditate/connect to the aether. Spellcasters can smell magic or speak dragon or something. No armor.

OPTIONAL: if people bitch about races either let them just roleplay that race (ask them what being that race is like) or do race as class thusly:

• Elves (d6+CON HP, 2000 XP to level up) can cast spells, and get +1 melee OR ranged to-hit (to max +3) and +2 spell point on odd levels.  -2 to WIS saves. Good at Dead languages and Arcane technology.
• Dwarves (d6+CON HP 1500 XP to level up) get +1 to damage on odd levels. They're good at mechanics and object-knowledge. -2 CON saves. CON save to nullify incoming damage once per adventure.
• Hobbits (d6+CON HD 1200 XP to level up) get +1 ranged to-hit and and can automatically succeed at Hide in Shadows once per day. -2 DEX saves. Let them re-do a failed roll once per adventure. They can heal d6 HP to somebody once an adventure.
  
   Can you remember all that?

HOW DO YOU PLAY

You can do anything you want as long as you describe it well. Build a raft! Convince that guard by acting out the conversation! Find that trap! The DM comes up with a world and the players do things to it. Back and forth!

Your character doesn't need special skills for most things,  you do them just by playing the game! Skills are for things that can't be acted out at the table. If DM really isn't sure what's gonna result the hero just rolls 2d6 and adds some relevant ability modifier and/or skill bonus. 12+ is best, under 8 is bad, in the middle is okay. If it's against somebody else do a contested roll and extrapolate what happens. Use verbs! It's better if everybody shouts things at the same time. Toss out a -1 or -2 if stuff is really hard. If stuff is easier, or conditions are favorable, or the players have done extra work to turn things in their favor, just give it to them. Dice are for conflicts and increasing tension! If failure doesn't have a cost don't roll.

Skills are Pick locks, Hide in Shadows, Dead languages, Acrobatics, Arcane technology, Object-Knowledge, Mechanics, Climb sheer surfaces or whatever the hell you want. Skills are for things that can't be acted out at the table! Keep it under a dozen. Maybe just let the players invent a couple things they're good at and give them +1 to doing those things. You can wait until they have Names first. Mountebanks get extras, and can stack bonuses because they're good at cheating and half-assing things. Roll 2d6+modifier (stat?) Failing means something bad happens (with or without success).

This all sounds like gibberish because it's meant to be felt intuitively and half-remembered, written down on napkins, and explained in between the action. This works best if the DM poses lots of questions to the players and uses their answers instead of just describing.

SAVE OR DIEs are CON, DEX, WIS roll under. Dwarves, Hobbits and Elves are naturally good at saving VS their preferred type (get -2 to those rolls). Let humans pick a save to have a -1 in.

CRIT on natural 20, add next die size up to max damage. Max numbers explode die (roll again and add).

Carrying Capacity = STR stat. Small stuff stacks (candles/arrows to 10, coins to 100), regular stuff is 1 cap point, big stuff is 2 cap points. Really big stuff has to be roleplayed. Having extra packs or loot bags can boost that a bit, if the player tries it. Can't dig through your pack in a fight or you'll get killed. You can strap a few things to the outside of you for easy access (an extra knife, a potion, smoke bomb etc). 
If their arms are all loaded up with junk try throwing situations at them that make them abandon it instead of nitpicking about capsize ("you're all weighted down with emeralds and priceless art! you're having trouble swimming! the water's rising! what do you do--hurry!").

Weapons
Small (dirk, hand axe, throwing knife, short spear, sling) d6, $25
Martial (longsword, battleaxe, mace, pike, bow) d8 dmg $100
Heavy/slow/twohanded (claymore, warhammer, crossbow, glaive, halberd, etc) d12

quarrels can KO on a good, solid hit. Fist fights d4+STR CON damage.

AC is 10+DEX modifier+armor, max 19
melee to-hit d20+STR vs AC
ranged to-hit d20+DEX vs AC

Leather armor AC +1 $50
Chainmail AC +2 $200
Plate armor AC +4 $1000
Shield AC +1 $100, destroy to avoid damage
(Armor above Leather makes doing stuff like climbing, swimming, and casting spells hard. Save or it backfires somehow.)

Junk likes candles or a bottle of cheap wine is 1-5$. Good tools are 10-25$, expensive stuff is 50-100$+, extremely fine magic rare stuff between 200 to 1000$
Donkey $100, horse $1000, cart $200 blah blah

magic equipment does fun things and has +1 to a stat

XP from Loot is worth 1 point per $ value. Tally everybody's loot individually, let them argue over it. Get XP by paying wandering minstrils to tell your exploits, patronizing the arts, throwing redicuolous parties, donating to churches/widows/orphanages, funding enterprises or magical research, or hiring trainers to teach you skills.
Leveling up: Roll over each of your stats. Raise it by one if you make it. Add an extra HD.

Everything else:
 Monsters are just collections of d6s with attitudes.
Spells can be anything! Find a list online or make them up! You have to have two hands free or a wand/relic/open spellbook in hand to cast!
Insta-Death at zero hp! Make a new guy! You're cool if you rip up your char sheet when your dude dies.
Hirelings can be gathered by rolling dice and paying silvers! They might be jerks or nice!
Draw lots of pictures! Have colored pencils or sharpies available!

I think this is about as stripped down as it gets while still looking like D&D. No matrices, no tables. The easy parts can be memorized, with hard parts written on paper. I have no idea how it plays. I bet the classes are all kinds of unbalanced. Maybe could also say fuck it and just make the classes skills themselves (putting a point in 'Fighter' gives you +1 ATK +1 DMG! Putting a point in 'Mountebank' gives you a skill point!) How will it translate to travelers? Flail snails.