self-righeous absolutism

Words by worth and nothing death

to ease the pain of fake breath,

the turning tide which never ends

seeking cliffs of life begins

What is the worth of this one life? Essentially, it is pointless. To us, in the moment, at the concurrent second of our experience, it seems to be the only ‘which is’. To all other perspectives, it is of ever decreasing value. So the view appends more distantly, so too does the value.

We, ourselves, naturally find our existence be of the highest level of importance. The assumption is placed upon its inevitability. At certain contingent times, when our spiritual limits are put to the test, we may reckon than our individual existence may be extinguished to support the gathered ‘whole’. In times of war and sacrifice this is evident.

At such times we bare witness to the ‘all’ which gathers within the self. We know that, though our particular interest fails, those we can never experience may gain even a moment of respite from the suffering which travails them.

This momentary experience is equivocal to total enlightenment. Total enlightenment may be experienced by any being, so long as it contains a mind of selfless detachment to its sense-experience. The center of this experience, germinating outwards, is the Vector of Being. As the Vector of Being grows, so too does the awareness of self.

The ‘Vector of Being’ is the space in which an experiential creature is witness to its own existence. It is the subjective reality through which you experience everything in your life. This state of mind is undefinable from outside it’s own existence. That is to say, we can only infer the existence of minds without ourselves. The necessary quality of the Vector of Being is that such an experience springs from a material quality.

‘Vector of Being’ has no central axis, except for that axis which is initially experienced in every moment. As the Sense-experience continues to upend itself endlessly, so too does the Vector of Being adjust itself. It is a scale which resets tare with each measurements it makes, against the previous weight, and in its use measures all things.

The scales of morality are the tools which the Vector of Being uses to define its purpose, and its gradient. There is no definition for these. Morality is never a solid bedrock, but through the ages transforms at the whim of a thousand Vectors. Those Vectors witness themselves and playfully dabble at a concept of an Initial Vector which places before them a concrete example which resets all Tares.

This is an illusion, as such an immutable Morality is again another measure by which the Vector of Being resets itself.

Each new life which experiences a Vector of Being, with its own rules and ideas about how it conceives and creates its subjective reality. The religious and the scientific. The liberal and the conservative. The fascist and the anarchist. Each exist in a universe apart from the other, which no reconcilable similarities.

Whence does an immutable reality come? From a holy book? From outside? We’re born into life with no knowledge. Can a planet with but a single living creature hope to attain enlightenment without external interference? 
 

A conscious an awake god would bury the rules for existence within the very fabric of itself, so that the aspirant may look at any thing and discover its true purpose. The rules for attainment may be seen anywhere, with no special purpose, available to all. A free source enlightenment.

Luckily, we live in such a universe.

With no other tool than our eyes we may witness the cycles of the universe, and the rules by which is governs itself.

The coyote eats dead flesh and shits.

Ten thousand shits make a pile of rotten dirt.

Rotten dirt is food for plants.

Plants grow, scatter seeds, and are eaten by herbivores. Herbivores range, scatter seeds, scatter shit, till the land.

Plants grow in their shit and sustain other herbivores.

Herbivores are eaten to nourish the coyotes.

So too are their corpses, and the corpses of such therein.

On and on and on. No mystery. The most simple of all can see this truth. Never it is necessary to ask the proof of a truth so fundamental.

So too are the rules of the cycles of existences, of life, of love, of morality. They are plain to see, and any eye who wishes to look upon them may find it without trouble.

CHILI and LEMONADE

I was feeling homesick today so I made a dish that's tied very much to my childhood: chili! In Oklahoma we make our chili with tomatoes and beans. This chili doesn't have beans because it was a spur of the moment thing and I didn't have any soaked.

OKIE CHILI
1 # 85% lean grass fed beef chuck
1 28oz can diced tomatoes
1/2 # bacon, cooked, chopped, oil reserved
1 big onion, chopped
1 whole heads of garlic, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
2 tbsp new mexico chili powder
1 tbsp hungarian paprika
1 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp cayenne
1 tsp chili flakes
2 tsp cumin seeds or 1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp oregano
2 FRESH bay leaves
2 oz 72% dark chocolate
1/2 c splash of STRONG black coffee
3/4 c water
2 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper

get ingredients ready.
in heavy pot brown ground beef.
add salt. add onions, bell pepper, garlic, cook until soft about 10 minutes.
add all the spices except bay leaves & bacon & reserved bacon grease. stir and continue to

cook for about 1 minute (this is called blooming or tempering, it 'wakes up' the spices, its done in indian cooking) add can of tomatoes, water, coffee, chocolate, bay leaves mix all together.
cover and simmer 1 hour, stirring occassionally.

Notes: Might halve hungarian paprika and increase amount chili powder next time

LEMONADE
2 cups fresh squeezed lemon juice (about 7 fat ripe lemons)
zest of 2-3 lemons
1/2 cup sugar (you could use half honey)
dash salt
1 inch ginger grated
6 cups water (try soda water)
sprigs mint (optional)
ice

you can make small batches in a cocktail shaker!
try adding a splash or two of gin or whiskey!

D&D: the game for travelers

Marinus van Reymerswaele "two tax collectors"

In hobo culture Magic the Gathering is the big thing. Lots of travelers play it because it's dynamic and portable. It's easy to put together a basic deck. Anyone can quickly learn to play. I'm not into it. You gotta acquire all these cards somehow, keep track of 'em. There's a big gap between dabblers and serious guys--such that the dabblers are better off playing something else. I think there's a more traveler appropriate game, it's D&D.

As a kid I dabbled in card games. All my friends played them, but they were leagues above me because they were dedicated to it. They learned tourney-worthy strategies from the internet, and had the cards to prove it. Those kids are never fun to play with, the mallrats, they exist in hoboworld form too.

You can't use Acid Blast Tsunami anymore, it's a banned card!
Why? Because it kills everybody' s dudes, even mine? It's the only strategy I got!
In card games, the dude with the best (aka most expensive) cards wins. Pay to win. Psycho Opal Angel lockdown! You have to discard the first card you draw every turn! Where's the fun in that?

My mom wouldn't buy me boosterpacks, and I didn't blame her. It's an expensive hobby. My cards were always from shoebox hand-me-downs, starter decks, and birthday boosters. I kludged decks together from whatever strategies I came up with on my own, and whatever cards I thought looked cool. 

The only time I had fun playing was when I played against kids in my own tax bracket, in my neighborhood. Then, our imaginations took over. It wasn't a game about good strategies and winning, it was largely about the illustrations and flavor text. I'm going to use Insect Champion because he's a freakin' shock trooper with praying mantis arms! Who cares if he's only worth 800 points and has no special attacks? We'd make up what the battles looked like. When we'd use Fissure, it was like a real crack opened in the ground and sucked our dudes down with it. We traded cards easily and freely because the cards weren't worth anything.

At school the next day, my serious friends discussed which decks they'd take to the game shop tournament on Saturday. There was a $7 entrance fee, and the grand prize was $50 store credit. I'd always lose in the first round, but I'd try anyway. There were kids in my tax bracket there too, seeing the game vicariously through the victors. One weekend I beat a kid who had never played before, I taught him the rules as we went along. I finally moved to the second round. The next kid I played knew every card by sight, and spit acid when I had to stop the game to read all card effects he was using to obliterate me.

Because my family was poor, I developed an active imagination. We had dial-up long after it was outdated, an NES from a garage sale. Some kids get nothing. My sister and I fought each other with sticks and played games with paper and dice and markers. We couldn't afford the D&D manuals, but I could look at the copies in the game store and fill in the blanks at home.

With D&D all you need is dice, paper, and pens. If you don't have dice you can use playing cards or draw lots. You don't even need a rulebook, you can easily remember the important parts yourself, and fudge the rest. You can play with different people, each of them bringing in their own character sheets from other games. Slap it together, tweak it here and there, let it work out in the wash. It's a game of pure friendship, creativity, and exploration, unhindered by a corporate middleman. It's a game that allows you to share the mind's vistas with others, in a collaborative and experiential way. I might even go as far to say that tabletop gaming (or dirt floor gaming, rather) is a living relative of oral storytelling traditions. A tradition that started with travelers and nomads and pre-literates.

Unfortunately nobody really plays it on the road. Most folks have this idea that D&D is about nerds bickering over expensive manuals. This reputation isn't unearned. The way not-me sees D&D is the way I see card games. I want to fix this, to introduce D&D to travelers or kids w no monies

Something that fits in a skull or one sheet of notebook paper. If you don't have dice draw lots or pull etched sticks out of a had.

ULTRALITE D&D

VERSION 1.2
Don't name your guy until level 3.

Roll in order: STR DEX CON INT WIS CHA

3: -3
4-5: -2
6-8: -1
9-12: 0
13-15: +1
16-17: +2
:18 +3
(this is easy to remember because 1,2,3,4,3,2,1)

Pick a class:

• Fighters (d8+CON HP. 1200 XP to level up) adds LVL to attack and damage rolls. Gets additional attacks per combat on levels 3,6,9 etc.
• Pilgrims (d6+CON HP 1500 XP to level up) can SMITE unholy for d6+wis, HEAL d6+wis, using a pool of dice equal to level. BLESS and PRAY might do things too. Gods make demands of them! Dance or lose your powers, puppet! 
• Mountebanks (d6+CON HP 1000 XP to level up) add LVL to attack and damage rolls when they Backstab in addition to the regular x2 dmg that everybody gets.  Mountebanks gets 2 skill points at start and get another +1 to spend on skills every other level. They can Save VS Dex per adventure to overrule an argument about treasure. Small weapons and bows only or can't add skill bonuses.
• Spellcasters (d4+CON HP. 1500 XP to level up) get (INT mod+level) spell points. you can represent spell points with tokens, and spells cost their level to cast. They can cast any spell they know. Spell points refresh every day if they get good sleep and time to meditate/connect to the aether. Spellcasters can smell magic or speak dragon or something. No armor.

OPTIONAL: if people bitch about races either let them just roleplay that race (ask them what being that race is like) or do race as class thusly:

• Elves (d6+CON HP, 2000 XP to level up) can cast spells, and get +1 melee OR ranged to-hit (to max +3) and +2 spell point on odd levels.  -2 to WIS saves. Good at Dead languages and Arcane technology.
• Dwarves (d6+CON HP 1500 XP to level up) get +1 to damage on odd levels. They're good at mechanics and object-knowledge. -2 CON saves. CON save to nullify incoming damage once per adventure.
• Hobbits (d6+CON HD 1200 XP to level up) get +1 ranged to-hit and and can automatically succeed at Hide in Shadows once per day. -2 DEX saves. Let them re-do a failed roll once per adventure. They can heal d6 HP to somebody once an adventure.
  
   Can you remember all that?

HOW DO YOU PLAY

You can do anything you want as long as you describe it well. Build a raft! Convince that guard by acting out the conversation! Find that trap! The DM comes up with a world and the players do things to it. Back and forth!

Your character doesn't need special skills for most things,  you do them just by playing the game! Skills are for things that can't be acted out at the table. If DM really isn't sure what's gonna result the hero just rolls 2d6 and adds some relevant ability modifier and/or skill bonus. 12+ is best, under 8 is bad, in the middle is okay. If it's against somebody else do a contested roll and extrapolate what happens. Use verbs! It's better if everybody shouts things at the same time. Toss out a -1 or -2 if stuff is really hard. If stuff is easier, or conditions are favorable, or the players have done extra work to turn things in their favor, just give it to them. Dice are for conflicts and increasing tension! If failure doesn't have a cost don't roll.

Skills are Pick locks, Hide in Shadows, Dead languages, Acrobatics, Arcane technology, Object-Knowledge, Mechanics, Climb sheer surfaces or whatever the hell you want. Skills are for things that can't be acted out at the table! Keep it under a dozen. Maybe just let the players invent a couple things they're good at and give them +1 to doing those things. You can wait until they have Names first. Mountebanks get extras, and can stack bonuses because they're good at cheating and half-assing things. Roll 2d6+modifier (stat?) Failing means something bad happens (with or without success).

This all sounds like gibberish because it's meant to be felt intuitively and half-remembered, written down on napkins, and explained in between the action. This works best if the DM poses lots of questions to the players and uses their answers instead of just describing.

SAVE OR DIEs are CON, DEX, WIS roll under. Dwarves, Hobbits and Elves are naturally good at saving VS their preferred type (get -2 to those rolls). Let humans pick a save to have a -1 in.

CRIT on natural 20, add next die size up to max damage. Max numbers explode die (roll again and add).

Carrying Capacity = STR stat. Small stuff stacks (candles/arrows to 10, coins to 100), regular stuff is 1 cap point, big stuff is 2 cap points. Really big stuff has to be roleplayed. Having extra packs or loot bags can boost that a bit, if the player tries it. Can't dig through your pack in a fight or you'll get killed. You can strap a few things to the outside of you for easy access (an extra knife, a potion, smoke bomb etc). 
If their arms are all loaded up with junk try throwing situations at them that make them abandon it instead of nitpicking about capsize ("you're all weighted down with emeralds and priceless art! you're having trouble swimming! the water's rising! what do you do--hurry!").

Weapons
Small (dirk, hand axe, throwing knife, short spear, sling) d6, $25
Martial (longsword, battleaxe, mace, pike, bow) d8 dmg $100
Heavy/slow/twohanded (claymore, warhammer, crossbow, glaive, halberd, etc) d12

quarrels can KO on a good, solid hit. Fist fights d4+STR CON damage.

AC is 10+DEX modifier+armor, max 19
melee to-hit d20+STR vs AC
ranged to-hit d20+DEX vs AC

Leather armor AC +1 $50
Chainmail AC +2 $200
Plate armor AC +4 $1000
Shield AC +1 $100, destroy to avoid damage
(Armor above Leather makes doing stuff like climbing, swimming, and casting spells hard. Save or it backfires somehow.)

Junk likes candles or a bottle of cheap wine is 1-5$. Good tools are 10-25$, expensive stuff is 50-100$+, extremely fine magic rare stuff between 200 to 1000$
Donkey $100, horse $1000, cart $200 blah blah

magic equipment does fun things and has +1 to a stat

XP from Loot is worth 1 point per $ value. Tally everybody's loot individually, let them argue over it. Get XP by paying wandering minstrils to tell your exploits, patronizing the arts, throwing redicuolous parties, donating to churches/widows/orphanages, funding enterprises or magical research, or hiring trainers to teach you skills.
Leveling up: Roll over each of your stats. Raise it by one if you make it. Add an extra HD.

Everything else:
 Monsters are just collections of d6s with attitudes.
Spells can be anything! Find a list online or make them up! You have to have two hands free or a wand/relic/open spellbook in hand to cast!
Insta-Death at zero hp! Make a new guy! You're cool if you rip up your char sheet when your dude dies.
Hirelings can be gathered by rolling dice and paying silvers! They might be jerks or nice!
Draw lots of pictures! Have colored pencils or sharpies available!

I think this is about as stripped down as it gets while still looking like D&D. No matrices, no tables. The easy parts can be memorized, with hard parts written on paper. I have no idea how it plays. I bet the classes are all kinds of unbalanced. Maybe could also say fuck it and just make the classes skills themselves (putting a point in 'Fighter' gives you +1 ATK +1 DMG! Putting a point in 'Mountebank' gives you a skill point!) How will it translate to travelers? Flail snails.

cuban black beans & ropa vieja +thoughts on cuban sandwich

BLACK BEANS
pretty standard. I eat beans and rice pretty much every day. every culture had their own style.

soak 1ib black beans overnight. dump water, rinse & add 10 cups fresh.
add in a cored/quartered green bell pepper and boil 45min

sofrito: finely chop
-onion
-green bell pepper
-garlic
fry in some oil til golden. add a portion of the black beans to the sofrito, stir and mash.

add 1+tsp oregano, 1+tsp black pepper,
1 bay leaf, 1 TBS salt, 2 tsp sugar
2tsp vinegar, 2tsp sherry
add back into the bean pot, stir well, lower heat to simmer for another hour.

splash in some olive oil & serve w long grain white rice

ROPA VIEJA
it means old clothes. probably because it's an easy laundry day meal & it also looks like laundry in the wash.

2ish ibs flank steak, good for shredding
1 cup broth
1 14.5oz can crushed tomatoes
1 6oz can tomato paste
1 onion, thin sliced
1 red pepper, thin sliced
garlic
1tsp cumin
1/2c spanish olives (or more cos olives are good)
1 1/2 TBS olive brine(or more cos olives are good)

season meat generously with salt+pep. sear meat 3-4 min both sides high heat. put in slowcooker with tomatoes, onion, pepper, garlic, cumin and more salt+pep. put on low for eight hours. shred meat w two forks. add in olives+brine.

CUBANO sandwich
fuck I love these god damn sandwiches so much it makes my heart hurt when I think about them. recently I went to puerto rico with my partner, and we had a layover in miami. I ate cubanos every chance I got. that was my first time near real cubano-land.

prior, my only experience with them had been reading a wikipedia article and trying to recreate what I thought that was like. I don't remember trying very hard--pickles mustard and ham are important factors here. If my life was a house at Hogwarts we'd be called "Pimientos" and our colors would be pinkish green and shit your pants yellow & we'd specialize in cooking too much food, getting drunk, and anti-social behavior mixed with deep feelings of displacement and apathy. oh, and Conjuration and Mysticism are the coolest magic schools in TES, so we'd be good at eating souls and summoning spears which eat light and produce icy fumes. come get some "slytherin"

now that i'm far away from the carribean back home i can make my own!! so what goes in a cubano? i'm glad i asked!
1 cuban bread is like french bread but it has lard in it because cubans are awesome
dill pickles + mustard
smoked ham
roasted pork
swiss cheese
salame (this happened because cubans & italians lived in the same neighborhoods in Tampa and they decided to make the world a better place by intermingling their cultures--in cuba they don't do salame)let this be a lesson to you!! don't go to nazi rallies just eat cuban sanwiches or something
TWO THREE! KINDS OF PORKit makes me sad when i eat pork, just kidding i don't have feelings.
then its smashed in a panini to make a dank grilled cheese, or you can use 2 cast irons.

the hardest ingredient to imitate here is the roasted pork. cubans just have this stuff lying around but in america you gotta roll up yer sleeves and do it yourself *chomps corncob pipe and snaps suspenders*.

CUBAN STYLE ROAST PORK
head garlic, minced
2tsp cumin
2tsp pepper
small handful oregano leaves
1/2c orange juice (about 2 if you squeeze em)
3-4 limes of juice
1/4c olive oil

1 6-8 ibs boneless pork shoulder roast

cubans love mojos and sofritos. so do I.
MOJO: whisk together garlic, cumin, pepper, oregano, olive oil, orange + lime juice. season w salt.
marinade pork in this overnight.

put oven rack on lower-mid position & preheat to 275
line baking sheet w double layer foil, put in pork+juices and fold up into a packet, leavin a little room inside to circulate air.
roast 3 hrs
 open pork evelope to crust & raise temp to 325
baste occassionally, til it falls apart; about 2-3hrs more
let rest 10 minutes

god i'm so hungry now fuck
(i steal all these recipes from places, adapt them to my liking, and put them here so months down the line i can go "oh yeah! i wanna make that thing--where is that recipe?? on my blog!!" *types vi enter into browser*) prooof:

COLOMBIAN CHICKEN STEW
4 large potatoes
1 large onion
4 big ass tomatoes
1 whole chicken in 8 pieces, or some thighs or whatever
bay leaves
salt+pep

cut everything into big lazy chunks or don't. dump all things into pressure cooker. cook 25 minutes on high pressure.

ego death

I've been on the road for a few years now, camping, couchsurfing, living in a van, at punk houses, and for a few months in a shack I built myself from scrap lumber in a vacant overgrown lot in Nola. I've seen much of the country, far more than most people ever will. During this time my expenses have been relatively low--I got my food from begging or dumpster diving. It's gotten easier as I've gone along, I've learned better ways to do things, what places and situations to avoid, and I've done it by fucking up a lot and feeding a lot of physical, spiritual, and emotional addictions.

I'm better for it in some ways. I've learned to be brave, to do with less, how to save money. I find talking to strangers to be a little easier. I still battle with insane social anxiety, but I continue to throw myself at social situations because I know sooner or later I'll get better at them.

I have regrets. I regret wasting all the money I made during my job years on stupid garbage I didn't need, like alcohol and rent. I regret wasting time and emotional energy on vampiric relationships which left me with scars I'm still working through.

Nevertheless, I find myself in a glade in the woods, and for once I have the ability to look around me, assess the situation I find myself in, and plot a better course. I see the influence of the stars, and can guide myself by them. There are still monsters in the woods, but I know their names, and their patterns, and have developed better tactics for dealing with them. Which ones do I kill, and which ones do I tame, and which ones can I learn to co-exist with?

When I first decided to leave my home town and become a hobo, I did it with the idea that I was cutting chains. I believed that I was freeing myself from things that trapped me in misery. I hoped that in my travels I would discover a place I could get land, grow my own food, build my own house, and invite others to join me. I thought that dropping out was the ultimate tool for war against an insane world that wanted me and everybody else dead. Once I didn't have to worry about food, water, shelter I could use my time to help others get out.

That dream has started to look less and less appealing as time goes on. I don't know that I want to live in a secluded place, completely outside of civilization. First of all, I don't think it's possible to drop out completely. Second, it may not even be the best way to help people. It appears that people who try the drop out thing still end up driving, buying stuff, and working to make money. Building a community of committed individuals that share your vision is next to impossible--humans aren't puppets and I'm certainly not charismatic enough to draw them in. Most of the communes I've seen are plagued by the same flaws I'm trying to flee from.

In fact, being on the road is too! I have a van which provides shelter, electricity, and transportation, and it costs money! Not nearly as much as rent, but with the added difficulty of it being mentally hard to get a job when you live in a van. Without income, I'm forced to beg. Begging never nets you a surplus, only subsistence. I ended up spending lots of time working for survival anyway, just in a way that's repugnant to most. The generosity of others is never consistent, plus you have the added danger of cops fucking with you at every turn. It turns out living on the road puts you even closer to the furnace. Your time is unstructured, but your needs still exist, and the rules are still made by somebody else.

Needs can be met two ways--by having money, or by having a community, and for most people it requires both. On the road I've had very little of either. When you're traveling you don't tend to build meaningful relationships with the friends you make, because within a few days/weeks/months you're moving somewhere else. I guess you could keep in contact with them on the internet, but social media is boring and painful to me, and it's much harder for your friends to help you when you aren't with them. That's what I mean by community--a tightknit group which functions to support the whole.

Money, on the other hand, comes from jobs. I've always viewed paid work with contempt. Employment means doing a bunch of bullshit for someone else, and getting paid only a minuscule fraction of the money you make for them. In this way I've tried to keep jobs which demanded as little of me as possible.

The longest job I've kept was in the electronics/toys department of a super store. I was mostly left to my own devices and could hide in the aisles and play on my phone when I was bored. The pay, however, was shit, and got eaten up totally by expensive rent supporting a girlfriend I hated and who hated me. What little money I had left over I used to but alcohol and cigarettes so I didn't have to feel anything. But I still felt things! Incredible defeat, loneliness, frustration, and self-hatred. The booze just made it easier to sleep. It was also a weapon I used to hurt myself as punishment for being such a flawed piece of shit. I still do this and sometimes drink until I black out and piss myself. You get good at something by practicing, and I've been practicing self mutilation for twenty years.

On the road I learned that there's nothing inherently wrong with me, that I was making toxic choices and tying my self worth up in others, that I can restructure not just my situation, but how I approach that situation. I've learned to control my emotions, and to put up boundaries with others. The value of saying NO that I wielded against power-structures is also important for defining yourself with others.

This is the next part of my growth journey--learning to say no. It's next to impossible for me when I fear that saying no will reduce someone else's love for me. I have such a difficult time making meaningful friendships that when they start to like me I do things that aren't true to me to try and appease them. Just like a stressful full-time job, burn out and resentment comes quick.

As a child I quickly realized the scam of working for money. You're forced into it, and the threat of loss of subsistence keeps you making money for others in a giant pyramid scheme. There's healthier alternatives to this type of relationship that we could try. 

Same thing with love. If love is based on the fear of taking it away, it too is an abusive relationship.

If love is given freely, like I believe food and shelter should, then it becomes a sharing act. This means that everybody involved has total ability to say no about what they do. If I can say no to taking shitty stressful jobs that demand too much of my sanity, I should be able to say no to shitty relationships that do the same.

Building walls, keeping people out, and then when you finally let them in being afraid to let them back out.

I can only seem to maintain one meaningful relationship at a time. Some people have loads of friends, and it's easy for them to pick up where they left off. I never learned how to do that. It was walls behind walls from the start.

The stars cast their light, and I've created a network of pathways in my head. I've felt danger, hunger, cold, and real bodily fear. Instead of wandering in the woods I've learned enough of its layout that I can do something else instead.

For one thing I can see that I've tried to force relationships instead of letting them simply happen. It seems to make sense to take the path of lesser resistance. Not in a giving up way, but in a maximizing happiness way, in a way that grows your sense of fulfillment and self-worth, instead of consuming your capacity for it. These relationships, and the lack in quantity or quality of them, drives many negative feelings within myself, both inward and outward.

The the past I've attacked myself mentally for not being cool or interesting or charismatic or inventive enough. How do I even measure that? By how many friends I have? How much sex I have? Whether or not I have a collective of anarchists forming around me due to my wondrous axioms and inspiring personality? I feel a push to be exceptional in some way, and always far more exceptional than I am right now. Since I'm perpetually in a state of not being any of the collection of insane fantasy mes, I'm not worthy of love, because only that exceptional version of me is worth love.

What's with the preoccupation with needing to be worthy of love?

I sit in a room with the friend of a friend and I'm sitting there with the panic of not having anything to say to make them think I'm interesting/funny/smart. Why do I give a shit? I don't need to get points with people, I just need to be myself. If they don't like what I'm doing for me, then fuck it, why do you need their love?

But then there's anger, which signals more dwelling. You can't lean blame against people because they are not immediately enraptured by your presence. 

And what does this come down to?

Psycho-cybernetic fragmentation fields?

Esoteric surgery?

I've lost the energy for politics between panic and apathy.

I've lost a lot of feelings, hope, drive.

This is good. Transformation isn't painless.

What I'm left with is my bare self, without the the dressing, and armor of ideologies and lies.

An infant self, malnourished, confused?

The karma of a previous incarnation?

What if like is like a giant, super-convincing roguelike, and each time you die the character is erased, and a new one is generated which carries on a meta-knowledge that helps the 'player' act with better understanding next time?

What if each and every moment is like that?

Everything around you is an additional organ of you--just as much as your fingers and toes you're inseparable from it. These organs act as surfaces for your experiential organs to orient themselves. Information is related between the different halves (there is no outside)

From the Tao Te Ching:

The saint inspires the vitality of all lives, without holding back.
He nurtures all beings with no wish to take possession of.
He devotes all his energy but has no intention to hold on to the merit.
When success is achieved, he seeks no recognition.
Because he does not claim for the credit, hence shall not lose it. 

time traveling buddha

 one could observe that:

1. Due to ignorance (of underlying realities of existence) we process/ferment what comes to our mind.

2. This processing/fermentation causes karma to form and mould the status consciousness (vinyana).

3. The functioning/existence of the status consciousness has a close association with regards to sustaining life (one's existence).

4. "Name" and "Form" describes the non-material and material components of one's existence. "Name" are the constituents one's mind, consciousness and ideas... "Form" (material) are the constituents of the body (made of solids, liquids, gasses...).

5. The six sense bases of perception are composed of "Name" (the mind/vinyana...components) and "Form" (the solids, liquids, gasses... components).

6, 7. When the six sense bases of perception comes in contact with entities (ex. eye with external world, nose with fragrances,... mind with thoughts/memories...), they generate feelings (in the mind).

8. Next we generate/get desires for these feelings.

9. These desires makes one "cling onto" them (wanting more...).

10, 11. This clinging causes the generation of causations/factors (karma) that causes/leads/drags one into future births, so that such accumulated karma can take effect, can materialise... (The generation of sankhara /karma due to attachments, desires, longings, cravings... or due to the aversions, angers, hates... generated during the cause of such quests/pursuits... will lead one through eternal samsara resulting in the generation of yet further causations/karma, requiring further... Thus bonding one into this eternal journey...)

12. Then once one gets into a birth, one undergoes/endures all the sufferings associated with such...

1. But again due to our ignorance, we fail to realise the underlying nature/reality of existence. Thus veiled and shadowed by ignorance, we keep on generating the mental fermentations/volitions that keeps one further bonded to samsara...

Thus the cycle ever so continues for ever and ever unto perpetuity... Thus breaking away from this cycle (by "eradicating"/overcoming ignorance), leads to its cessation (cessation of the perpetual wandering)....

Can one harness mind/karma to control the time/place/circumstance of one's rebirth? Obviously karma works in all directions, and if we can know it and influence it, can we predict the outcome? They enormous prayer wheels in Tibet which pour out energy, could we make one to transmit a soul to a certain body as a form of time travel?

Magical diary #1

6/10/17

Magic is about releasing your problems, until theres only one. Yourself. Everything outside you creates distractions. Even your inner dialogue is always concentrated on whats outside. What even is that? We spend countless lifetimes trying to figure it out. We never seem to get within reach, and each new life we have to begin from square one, but not quite. We leave messages to ourselves coded throughout the universe, pushing us in the right direction. Few really get there, they fall into a darker cycle which opposes that change.

Oh dang all that other stuff I wrote didn't get saved...oh well

dogthoughts

dogs like toys that squeak because it simulates a creature screaming in agony as the dog rips it apart.
That's why dogs play tug of war and like to chew and chase. They're mutant murder machines. We mutated them,this is an unnatural shape, it's like somebody took a bunch of dwarfs and bred cut little deformed dwarf babies until they took on weird funny shapes, and some of them are really good at killing, or swimming, or being your friend.

Didn't technology do that to us? It's Super-Conscious memetic entity that uses us to perform its replication by using reward/punishment paradigms to keep us acting in its favor. Spread across the galaxy? To what end?

What the fuck? That got really weird. I drifted out and had a conversation with some kind of daemon about what was probably a bunch of bullshit, through my computer. I had to go banish with a knife and salt. That's the first time I've ever felt like I needed to banish anything. I remember, as I begun to realize what was happening, having the thought that I felt like I was schizophrenic. Like, that's what I  would look like to someone if they looked over my shoulder.

That's okay, to banish things you have to dump a lot of feelings into a subject and LET GO of it. Release it. That's to drive it from your mind. You have this NEED thats fucking with you? Driving you mad? Don't ignore it, bring it forward. Make it into a doll, burn it, and scream, and lose yourself and cry and yell mean things at your mother, go ballistic and look like an idiot.

When you're done, calmly return to yourself, lay quietly on the floor if that's where you happen to end up, maybe have your eyes closed for a while....drift into a waking sleep, a quiet revery, a form of self-hypnosis. That quiet hypnotic waking-sleep that is meditation, that you've been practicing. You HAVE been practicing, right? It doesn't matter.

Let go. It's gone. That thing isn't bothering you. You banish and forget. It ceases to be a problem, because it's not dominating your mind. That interview? It's fine. I got this. Your lack of  finances? It will work out, whatever happens I'll still be alive. Unrequited love? This is okay, it's a sign that I need to spend more time working on myself, maybe I'll start working out and get over it.

It's like that. Casting spells, solving problems. But only your problems. Luckily, you're a sorcerer, a witch, a wise man, a shaman, a witchdoctor, a druid....a necromancer. You can create these ecstatic rituals for others, too. You wear dramatic clothing, carry a staff, recite loud incantations, the person is encouraged to reach out to their loved one, to cry and scream and deal with whatever pain their feeling...certain drugs may help--a mushroom, a cactus... There's smoke and fire and breaking glass which cuts like a bell--a bell? a gong which shatters and stops and releases the pain... it's gone, the spirit will move on. Whatever daemon is plaguing you has left.

What we mean is worries, fears, desires, guilt, insecurity. All those ugly feelings that happen so close to other humans--it's a form of psychotherapy. Performed by holymen and holywomen who spend time practicing getting over things and letting go. Your function is to be the town therapist. You keep people safe and happy by getting them to confront things. Shamanic medicine, including healing medicine, isn't about actually healing the wound, but about everyone dealing with what will happen if the wound gets worse--and the injured person dies. We've come together, said our griefs, and banished them. Or we're creating an atmosphere of positive energy, like soft music to a plant, being calm and supportive which helps injuries to heal. Good mental attitude.

You can see how religion is a perverted form of this. Magic was the first religion, practiced all over the world but in different forms. As Civilization began to grow, and conquering began to happen, the Civilizers knew they needed to pervert Magic to it's own ends, because who needs people believing they can stop their problems by letting go of them? They need to fight! Protect territory! Male VS Female way of thinking. Is it ingrained? I don't know. The earliest societies were matriarchal, or at least had evidence that they worshiped the female form--and their ability to give birth--to some end. The earliest magic was developed to deal with the most important things a primitive tribe has to deal with--birth, death, illness, dealing with people's regrets in the 'spirits of the dead'. They fix the problem by making it not a problem. If something is out of your hands, what do you do? You can't change death, you can only do so much about somebody getting hurt or sick, to a certain point its out of your hands.You have to let go of it, let go of the pain, let go of the fear. You're still alive, and life goes on.

This is Magic. This is day 1. I smoked weed and did yoga meditations and all this came out of it. Let it be cast into the future. Begone.

Epilogue:

The trappings of magic are bullshit. It can be anything, it doesn't matter, as long as it feels like it means SOMETHING. People compare magic to science, but they're not related things at all. They both seek to answer similar questions: What do I do about Death? Guilt? Illness? Fear? Birth? What is this? But in fundamentally different ways.

Science is about highly trained specialists uncovering truths about the nature of the physical world and applying those truths to answer questions.

Magic is about highly trained specialists accessing human emotional frequencies to resolve conflict within people's lives.

This explains why Magick was taken over by Civilization and turned into Religion, to control it. If people can solve their own problems they don't need Civilization. So it was manipulated. But Magick still exists, and you can still use it.

Use Magick to deal with and let go of your fear of failing as an artist, so you can finally begin to practice again and get better, so you can succeed as one.

Use Magick, to contact your grandma, and tell her how much you miss her, and remember the jokes she used to tell, and to remember the smell of her cooking, because you still love her even though she's gone. Yeah, I'm crying right now, I wasn't even that close with my grandma, who must I be thinking about? Maybe I should go use Magick to delve into myself and figure that out so I can deal with it!

That's all Magick is. Dealing with it.