guzzlebrite

    The clouds danced gaily in the summertime sunshine as Mordrimek Sputterbark flounced through scenic byways. To his right grouped bunches of lumbering stately elms, to his left a scrabble of wildflowers overwhich hung a cloud of nymphs gathering nectar. With a subtle kick of the toes and a twirl he bounded over a bridge passing a clear glittering stream. He was currently on his way to the gleaming city of Vernasthur to peddle his assortment of quasi-magical artifacts at the county fair.
    Lost in dreams of the heaps of silver groddings which would soon be filling his pockets he didn't notice the gnome Guzzlebrite sleeping in the middle of the road, and stepped squarely on his outstretched nose.
    With the rallying cry of "kiss a whore in the arse!" Guzzlebrite came bounding after, swinging about an intricately carved yew cudgel.

 "Hark, ye scoundrel! You've disfigured my beautiful and bulbous sneezer!" said Guzzlebrite, trying and failing to grab the hem of Modrimek's skyblue cloak. Modrimek tweaked the bouncing flower in his cap and redoubled his march without a word.

In a rage the gnome pounded the ground with his cudgel. The air erupted with the crashing of a titanic brass gong. Shocked out of his wits and struck nearly deaf Mordrimek bounced fully five feet into the air and collapsed in a ditch, scattering the mildly sorcerous contents of his mouse skin satchel about the avenue. With a chuckle Guzzlebrite transfigured himself into a hare, zipped to each of the trinkets and gathered them all into a sack.

"This smattering second-rate charms will have to suffice for recompense! Perhaps I can haggle the leechman to repair my schnozzer in return for this--" Guzzlebrite paused to squint at the squat pewter cup in his hand "'Hornflower's Best portable privy.'"

With a shrug the hare that was Guzzlebrite prepared a spell of 'To Faraway Removal', but Mordrimek regathered his senses and within a blink sent a hex of his own flying. Just as Guzzlebrite's temporal reality twisted and folded itself into elsewhere his fur turned a nauseating shade of magenta.

"May that gnome's mother fester puss sacks from her infected saddlebags," swore Mordrimek as he lay in the dust by the side of the road. Letting his head sink down he put his mind to the task of developing a plan of repossessing his lost wares and punishing the gnome. The task was overwhelming and soon he fell asleep.

Several hours later when the sun was descending and all was bathed in gold-orange light he awoke to the rattle of wagon wheels. Climbing to his feet he detected the crack of a whip and the light of a swinging lantern not far off. With hand raised he sought to parlay the driver but the car trundled by nearly crushing his toes. He ran after the cart.

"Ahoy! Salutations fine carriage operator! I require your assistance! It is I, Mordimek Sputterbark, third heir of the house of Lourdedarte and magician of no small renown! I have been waylayed of my shipment of ancient and rare artifacts by a band of gnome brigands and left to die in these foul woods!"

Mordimek gained on the cart and discovered it to be an exquisitely designed conveyance of lacquered tar pit ebony, pulled by a pair of prancing ruby mulecats and decked in worked silver fittings. The windows were obscured with a thickly piled mustard curtains. The driver was an automaton, guiding the cart mindlessly to its destination with fabulous emerald sight-lenses. Catching the chuck braces on the back of the carriage he quietly hoisted himself up and secured himself for the ride.

The orange light of the lower moon danced through scrabbling branches and scattered across brackish murk. A warm and humid night swathed the carriage as it descended many steep hills into swampland. A chorus of stinging insects likewise descended and harried Mordimek,who wrapped himself in his cape, though it was short enough to leave his ankles exposed. He cried, moaned, and wheezed for many bleak hours as the carriage jostled over roots and stones, and the coy growls of jagwompuses stalked from just beyond sight.

Near the dead hour, as the timpani toads ceased their sonorous canticles, there came a crash and the cart careened to a halt nearly horizontal in the mire. Mordimek was dislodged from his perch and hurled into a deep bank where he frantically scrabbled for purchase upon a sunken stone idol. He watched in amazement as the luxurious auto-cart extended an arm and emitted floodlight to illuminate the loathsome woods. A prodigious beast of indeterminable size passed across the road and disappeared into the trees, totally unaware of the mayhem it left in its wake.

From the top of the cart a hatch opened and out popped a thin man wearing a sapphire encrusted leotard and yellow wing-tipped boots. He scratched his bald head, placed his hands on his hips, then spun immediately around to glare at Mordimek hanging helpless in the muck. In place of eyes he had a pair of telescoping appendages which adjusted themselves in an irate manner.

"You! Repulsive vagabond! What is the meaning of this intrusion!" said the man. Mordimek threw himself off the stone idol and plunged into the depths of the murkey water while the wizard hurled knives into the water after him.