Kids are exposed to too much violence in media. I know this is a controversial subject, and I may seem a little old fashioned for putting it forward. So be it.
Now, I don't think all violence is bad. It's all about context. When you're dealing with kids you always have to ask yourself 'what message am I giving?' Kids are gonna take whatever you're doing at face value and if it clashes with their lived experience it'll be hard to process.
The stories you give kids tell them what the world is like and how we solve problems. Children are still in the process of developing their symbol system, so all new symbols will become part of that.
Yes, this is an esoteric subject, and I'm not explaining everything. There's a reason for this.
As adults we've built our symbol system - we know what the world is like. If we are exposed to something that doesn't fit our expectations, we reject it. This is an evolutionary part of our development.
As children grow every new experience becomes part of their dictionary of what 'is'. The psyche, or subconscious, takes everything at face value and accepts it. This is why mantras, dream interpretation, tarot, and creative visualization work. Since the psyche has so little to work with in kids it's especially sensitive to new symbols to use.
So anyway, violence without context creates a system shock. It's important that we instill in kids a sense that the world is safe and good, that morality matters, and that there is abundance. They can learn the hard lessons when they're older, but when they're still vulnerable it's important that their primary symbols are ones they can draw strength from later in life. If they're imprinted with symbols that the world is dangerous and help won't come and violence is random and unavoidable, these negative primary symbols set them up for a hard time at life.
I strongly feel that exposure to violent media at a young age, before children have built a resilient symbol system strongly contributes to a weakened psychic immune system. It's like building your body on frozen pizzas and fast food. The nutrition isn't there.
So when are kids old enough to be introduced to d&d? The short answer is not before age 10.
Up until this point the child's mind is wide open - they're totally dependent on their caretakers. Anything that threatens them physically, emotionally, spiritually, teaches 'this world is not safe". If the world is not safe development is hindered.
From 7 to 9 children are beginning to develop enough that they can perceive a wider world beyond the scope of their parental matrix. Around the age of 9 kids begin to see themselves as fundamentally separate from their caretakers, with their own power and agency. Yet they're still fragile. Repeated failures and exposure to danger outside their abilities can hinder development. By 10 they've hopefully had enough time to begin to build a suite of skills to prepare them for life outside their parents. This skill set won't be fully developed until much later, but it's a good time to be testing themselves against danger.
I could go deeper into this subject, but I'll leave it surface level for now. I know this is very different from how most people think about child development, but I think they if you spend some time with these ideas you'll find a kernel of truth.
What do you do if your kids are younger than 10?
7 and younger read them folk tales from a variety of different cultures. The D'aulaires Book of Norse Myths is great, the 7 Year Old Wonder Book, Beetle Tamer and Other Stories, the Andrew Lang Fairy Books, and Grimm Fairy Tales. Many of these stories have violence, but within the context of a moral worldview which renders then comprehensible to children. Heroes always win and there is meaning and goodness.
8 and 9 you can do more realistic hero stories and mythologies. The Old Testament has a bunch of great stories (disclaimer: we're not Christian, we present them as myths like any other), the Norse Ragnarok stories, King Arthur, maybe some tamer Greek myths. At this age it's good for kids to be exposed to stories like Adam and Eve's expulsion from Eden, the Hobbit, or Pandora's Box, the idea that there IS suffering and evil in the world, and that we are separate from God, and that there is a darker world outside the doorstep. This is because at this age children are awaiting to their separation from their caretakers.
9 to 10 kids are ready for subtlety. Robin Hood is a great example - Robin does bad things for good reasons. At this stage kids should be exposed to life skills, such as gardening, woodworking, house building. If you can take them hiking, primitive camping, and introduce them to stories where people defy the odds or commune with nature all the better. I recommend My Side of the Mountain, the Chronicles of Prydain, Septims Heap, and the Giver for this age. In these stories kids are thrust into dire situations without their caretakers, which challenge and strength their abilities to rely on themselves. Along the way the young kids meet older adults who are good role models and sources of advice and strength, but the kids are still forced to prove themselves in the end rather than relying on adults to bail them out. A careful balance to strike.
From 8 to 10 you can play roleplaying games with kids that aren't about using violence to solve your problems. If they struggle against an enemy the threats should be transformation, capture, losing something dear, getting lost, but never overtly life threatening. When you fail you have a set back, but you don't die.
At 10 I think it's okay to start introducing life or death situations as long as they aren't too gratuitous. I think Cairn is a great introduction to this kind of gameplay. I don't think kids of any age should be shielded from natural consequences or failure, I just think it's a little much for children younger than this to have their avatar torn limb from limb, get their head cut off, eaten alive, boiled, burned, or gutted. They experience their imaginative characters as part of themselves. 10 is just right because they can now understand the difference between imaginary-for-fun and imaginary-as-practice-for-life.
This is such a big subject and there's a lot more to cover. Kids 10 and younger will act out in their games with other kids stuff they experience in their media. So fairy tale stories might lead to situations where one child is threatening to eat another in an imaginary game. Play between children is different from play between children and adults. It's important to understand that they view us as providers of symbols. Our imaginary play with them has a wholley different character of instruction that play with other kids does not. It's the difference between exploring the woods with your peers and exploring the woods with your science teacher. As an adult we cannot and should not strive to form the first relationship, and always remember our role is the secondary one.
Parents teach, children rehearse.
Rules to modify death in Cairn.
When failing critical damage you are knocked unconscious and out of the combat. You come to an hour later. Put a tally mark in the corner of your sheet.
The second time you take critical damage you are wounded - you can't walk unaided. If you perform any check or roll you collapse afterwards, too weak to move. You are Deprived.
If you aren't treated in 24 hours you develop a fever only powerful medicines or magic can cure. Three days later, if still untreated, you die.
If at any time you recieve a third critical damage you die.
After several weeks of rest and healing, say a couple months in a Haven between adventures, all tallies go away and you're fit to quest again.
The point of these changes isn't to reduce the danger. A character who fails is still 'out of the game' for a while. Instead, it increases the *threat* of danger while still giving players a chance to overcome and learn from their mistakes. This fits in with a lot of youth fiction
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